I love the smell of men. Manly men who aren't afraid to go without covering themselves with sordid chemical toxins that mask a persons natural smell. Some men are so sexy smelling and of course there is those special few who's pheromones just give my senses a reeling. I work in landscaping with a man like that. Now would I go to bed with him? Naw. He's too much of a head case to get mixed up with along with the subtle messages of "gee, you are a MILTF ain'tcha?", and really he's too much younger than me and I am not looking for drama. I'm too busy recovering from the drama of a recalcitrant man who smelled divine.
Granted, there are some men who exude noxious odors due to the imbalances within their bodies. There are disgusting smells from both sexes, yet for some reason, I have never been offended by them. And oh how our consumeristic society has convinced us that we need to cover up our smells. Cheap fragrances in body products, air fresheners, perfumes and colognes are more offensive to me than the body odor. Some of the higher end men colognes I truly appreciate and are heady with pheromones, essential pure oils and specific combination of scents to dazzle the senses. But give me a man who's worked hard and let me get a whiff. Ah bliss. I wish I could of bottled my boyfriend's scent before he left me. I didn't even think to nab a shirt from the laundry tubber! I thought I found one left in an empty drawer, but it had been washed. The traces of his scent in the arm pits threw me for a loop and now resides under my pillow.
I had to fall in love with one of those men who was programmed to believe his smell was offensive, and so he believed. When I wanted to smell him and take in a big whiff, he would call me nasty. I secretly told myself he actually kind of likes that I liked it. One time he actually held up his arm to let me revel and I could kinda tell he was a little bemused. It was his smell that convinced me to go for the relationship in the first place. It is the smell that will let me know if I am compatible to have sex with another being. What signal over rides that base elemental hormonal response that flashes, "WARNING RECALCITRANT MAN, DETOUR AHEAD FROM FINDING RECEPTIVE MAN" ???
It has been five days since I have smelled him. Today was a rather tough day. One of the hardest so far, even though today, I haven't fallen into pieces with scattered stinking thinking or sobbing tears for release. No, I just panicked when on route to a job site, my co-worker missed the one way and had to turn down the street and pass by where my boyfriend works. I didn't see that coming, even though I could feel the jitters being so close in proximity to him just by being in the Quarter. The French Quarter will always be his domain. I am to avoid the area he works or feel the might of his wrath. So when we turned the corner and I could see his outline sitting outside the shop, I heard myself say like a little school girl, "Oh my God, there he is, OMG, what am I going to do?" I actually laid down on the seat to hide and desperately asked my coworker, "Did he see me?" For heavens sake! Me at my age, acting that way. It totally took me by surprise. The good news out that little escapade is he didn't see me and I recovered my composure and re-centered within a few minutes. Yet, not having a good look to see if he is happy or sad or contemplative caught me off kilter all day.
Through all that and everything else I have experienced in that last five days, fear, abandonment, grief, loss, anger, disbelief...I have vowed to my myself, my best friend and the Universe to let him go, give up completely and convince myself it's over. LOL. I thought about him, us all day. It's freaking me out because I am doing all the methods I know to release, forgive, let go and move on. I've listened to MP3's to center and access my Essential Frequency, I have lit a 3 day candle in preparation for last nights lunar eclipse, I am going to AA meetings to keep myself sober, making phone calls, texts and emails and asking for help when I know what I need to ask for. I am doing as much as I know how to do, reeling from this current twist of fate while reality sinks in. He's left and clearly stated it's over. And since I have also vowed to not ask why anymore, I am left with what's next and can not stop thinking it's not over. WTF?? All I want right now and for the past four hours is a cigarette.
I just quit smoking Sept 19th after starting again when I couldn't resist any longer living in such close quarters with my recalcitrant man. I quit smoking for years as a part of working on my sobriety. I was isolated and not around smokers. Smoking was a thing of the past for me. Ha! It was a means of bonding with my boyfriend, this beast of a man I fell madly in love with. I had a relapse the day he left, got back on the wagon for three days and until today quitting has been a pretty graceful endeavor. I have rerouted my attention multiple times today and still I want a smoke. There are plenty of justifications not to give into this temptation. This insatiable urge must be to override the senses, numb out the scent that my nose has memorized of him. Or maybe I want to experience the happy memories of sitting together on our balcony smoking away and just being with each other.
Oh dear, I am still unhooking from the draw of loving a recalcitrant man. It's also getting closer to when he will call me to tell me he's coming for the rest of his too-large-to-carry-in-one-go belongings. All day, sweating in the sun while pulling weeds, potting plants and hauling material, I have been wrestling with what it is that I want. Wrong or right, good or bad, and all the other wonderful polarities, I want him to come back and say he was wrong to be rash and just leave like that! I want him to say he knows I am right that he was just scared of what it would mean for him to truly commit to love. I want him to try again. The absurdity of this is just too funny not to write about. He is the quintessential recalcitrant man and I have had the privilege to see through into his soul and know there is plenty to love and work with despite the wounds of his past. Yet is the myth about true love real?
I also get the sense I must not be alone in this plight. Beauty and the Beast is an age old tale that is playing out with a modern twist as humanity has been dealing with traumatic events since the dawning of time. If we women who know better give up on these recalcitrant men, will the unfolding human story ever change? Three or four days and counting. I will know soon, I guess. More will be revealed. For me, what's the next right thing to do? Go find that smoke.
Granted, there are some men who exude noxious odors due to the imbalances within their bodies. There are disgusting smells from both sexes, yet for some reason, I have never been offended by them. And oh how our consumeristic society has convinced us that we need to cover up our smells. Cheap fragrances in body products, air fresheners, perfumes and colognes are more offensive to me than the body odor. Some of the higher end men colognes I truly appreciate and are heady with pheromones, essential pure oils and specific combination of scents to dazzle the senses. But give me a man who's worked hard and let me get a whiff. Ah bliss. I wish I could of bottled my boyfriend's scent before he left me. I didn't even think to nab a shirt from the laundry tubber! I thought I found one left in an empty drawer, but it had been washed. The traces of his scent in the arm pits threw me for a loop and now resides under my pillow.
I had to fall in love with one of those men who was programmed to believe his smell was offensive, and so he believed. When I wanted to smell him and take in a big whiff, he would call me nasty. I secretly told myself he actually kind of likes that I liked it. One time he actually held up his arm to let me revel and I could kinda tell he was a little bemused. It was his smell that convinced me to go for the relationship in the first place. It is the smell that will let me know if I am compatible to have sex with another being. What signal over rides that base elemental hormonal response that flashes, "WARNING RECALCITRANT MAN, DETOUR AHEAD FROM FINDING RECEPTIVE MAN" ???
It has been five days since I have smelled him. Today was a rather tough day. One of the hardest so far, even though today, I haven't fallen into pieces with scattered stinking thinking or sobbing tears for release. No, I just panicked when on route to a job site, my co-worker missed the one way and had to turn down the street and pass by where my boyfriend works. I didn't see that coming, even though I could feel the jitters being so close in proximity to him just by being in the Quarter. The French Quarter will always be his domain. I am to avoid the area he works or feel the might of his wrath. So when we turned the corner and I could see his outline sitting outside the shop, I heard myself say like a little school girl, "Oh my God, there he is, OMG, what am I going to do?" I actually laid down on the seat to hide and desperately asked my coworker, "Did he see me?" For heavens sake! Me at my age, acting that way. It totally took me by surprise. The good news out that little escapade is he didn't see me and I recovered my composure and re-centered within a few minutes. Yet, not having a good look to see if he is happy or sad or contemplative caught me off kilter all day.
Through all that and everything else I have experienced in that last five days, fear, abandonment, grief, loss, anger, disbelief...I have vowed to my myself, my best friend and the Universe to let him go, give up completely and convince myself it's over. LOL. I thought about him, us all day. It's freaking me out because I am doing all the methods I know to release, forgive, let go and move on. I've listened to MP3's to center and access my Essential Frequency, I have lit a 3 day candle in preparation for last nights lunar eclipse, I am going to AA meetings to keep myself sober, making phone calls, texts and emails and asking for help when I know what I need to ask for. I am doing as much as I know how to do, reeling from this current twist of fate while reality sinks in. He's left and clearly stated it's over. And since I have also vowed to not ask why anymore, I am left with what's next and can not stop thinking it's not over. WTF?? All I want right now and for the past four hours is a cigarette.
I just quit smoking Sept 19th after starting again when I couldn't resist any longer living in such close quarters with my recalcitrant man. I quit smoking for years as a part of working on my sobriety. I was isolated and not around smokers. Smoking was a thing of the past for me. Ha! It was a means of bonding with my boyfriend, this beast of a man I fell madly in love with. I had a relapse the day he left, got back on the wagon for three days and until today quitting has been a pretty graceful endeavor. I have rerouted my attention multiple times today and still I want a smoke. There are plenty of justifications not to give into this temptation. This insatiable urge must be to override the senses, numb out the scent that my nose has memorized of him. Or maybe I want to experience the happy memories of sitting together on our balcony smoking away and just being with each other.
Oh dear, I am still unhooking from the draw of loving a recalcitrant man. It's also getting closer to when he will call me to tell me he's coming for the rest of his too-large-to-carry-in-one-go belongings. All day, sweating in the sun while pulling weeds, potting plants and hauling material, I have been wrestling with what it is that I want. Wrong or right, good or bad, and all the other wonderful polarities, I want him to come back and say he was wrong to be rash and just leave like that! I want him to say he knows I am right that he was just scared of what it would mean for him to truly commit to love. I want him to try again. The absurdity of this is just too funny not to write about. He is the quintessential recalcitrant man and I have had the privilege to see through into his soul and know there is plenty to love and work with despite the wounds of his past. Yet is the myth about true love real?
I also get the sense I must not be alone in this plight. Beauty and the Beast is an age old tale that is playing out with a modern twist as humanity has been dealing with traumatic events since the dawning of time. If we women who know better give up on these recalcitrant men, will the unfolding human story ever change? Three or four days and counting. I will know soon, I guess. More will be revealed. For me, what's the next right thing to do? Go find that smoke.
